Stage 3 of the Grief Journey - Bargaining

Bargaining is closely connected with anger. It is a normal reaction to the sense of helplessness and vulnerability that comes from loss. Because people feel guilty or to blame for their behaviour in some way, they try to gain control and manage pain by trying to negotiate or make deals.

Bargaining takes place when people make promises to themselves or God under the condition that if they act in a certain way, the situation may improve. They offer to be a better person, to help others, or to make donations. Bargains struck may not actually be able to be kept, but they assist in bringing more control by identifying what could have or should have been done.

Bargaining takes place concerning the past when people spend time ruminating on “what if” statements that would have prevented the loss.  For instance, they may think: “If I stopped by his house that night, he would still be here,” or “If I had been willing to go along that morning, we would not have been in danger.”

But bargaining is also a sign of progress. It is a way of stepping out of anger toward acceptance. It happens when people begin to accept the reality of the loss and the limits of their control over the situation. It indicates a willingness to accept reality on an emotional and psychological level. Struggling with and against the reality of what has happened but beginning to accept it! It should be recognized as a step forward!